maybe
last night i checked my phone every 5 minutes to see if "the call" had come in..i stayed up later than normal wishing and hoping and waiting to see bc i had this feeling that THIS time he would call..i was like a kid on christmas eve waiting anxiously for santa......man i even slept with my phone by my pillow just in case.....
but he didn’t...he didn’t call...but he never does. i should have known that i would be sitting here writing this today. i should have known that i was going to be let down once again...what's the saying? insanity is doing something the same way over and over and expecting different results...well i guess according to that i need to be in the crazy house bc i’ve been here before...but i don't get it...i just can’t make sense of it..i mean why do i continue to get excited only to find that each time i end up crying myself to sleep because yet again its another check mark under "times i've been let down" ...why do i care so much about someone that obviously doesn’t feel the same about me?
maybe...maybe i care bc i just know deep down that if he really got to know me...i mean like really really know me, he would just adore me right? right yall?...i'm a nice person right? i mean i’m smart and i'm cute and i'm fun and i'm generous and i'm kind and i'm successful...and i don’t say this to be boastful, but i think i'm a pretty loveable person...and i think that maybe just this one time i can prove to him that i'm all these good things and he should love me, and he should care...and just magically he will right?
well maybe i'm living in this fantasy world full of dreams and wishes and hopes and it’s time for me to wake up...time for me to stop waiting by the phone and wishing he'll call and longing for the love of someone that just doesn’t want to give it to me. maybe it’s time to face the fact that i can't force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
but its hard...man it’s so hard. it’s hard and it hurts so damn much to want someone to be there for you and they reject and push you away each time. it hurts to try and try some more and have every promise ever made to you broken. it hurts to pray to God to make THIS time be THE time that things change, and it hurts to have God just let all those prayers go unanswered. it hurts to cry yourself to sleep at night bc you don’t know how to change things and you just want to make them all right.
and so here i am in this place again… stuck...i'm stuck in this place where i am struggling with letting go of something that has let go of me long ago and caused me so much pain in the process...deep down i know its exactly what i need to do, i’ve convinced myself each time that i won't cry anymore, that i can't cry anymore about this....that i'm too strong for this, and that i don’t need him and its time to move on...and i get myself all pumped up and i’m ready…i mean like really ready this time yall…ready to make a change and BAM...it hits me..
...how can i let go of my father's love?
but he didn’t...he didn’t call...but he never does. i should have known that i would be sitting here writing this today. i should have known that i was going to be let down once again...what's the saying? insanity is doing something the same way over and over and expecting different results...well i guess according to that i need to be in the crazy house bc i’ve been here before...but i don't get it...i just can’t make sense of it..i mean why do i continue to get excited only to find that each time i end up crying myself to sleep because yet again its another check mark under "times i've been let down" ...why do i care so much about someone that obviously doesn’t feel the same about me?
maybe...maybe i care bc i just know deep down that if he really got to know me...i mean like really really know me, he would just adore me right? right yall?...i'm a nice person right? i mean i’m smart and i'm cute and i'm fun and i'm generous and i'm kind and i'm successful...and i don’t say this to be boastful, but i think i'm a pretty loveable person...and i think that maybe just this one time i can prove to him that i'm all these good things and he should love me, and he should care...and just magically he will right?
well maybe i'm living in this fantasy world full of dreams and wishes and hopes and it’s time for me to wake up...time for me to stop waiting by the phone and wishing he'll call and longing for the love of someone that just doesn’t want to give it to me. maybe it’s time to face the fact that i can't force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.
but its hard...man it’s so hard. it’s hard and it hurts so damn much to want someone to be there for you and they reject and push you away each time. it hurts to try and try some more and have every promise ever made to you broken. it hurts to pray to God to make THIS time be THE time that things change, and it hurts to have God just let all those prayers go unanswered. it hurts to cry yourself to sleep at night bc you don’t know how to change things and you just want to make them all right.
and so here i am in this place again… stuck...i'm stuck in this place where i am struggling with letting go of something that has let go of me long ago and caused me so much pain in the process...deep down i know its exactly what i need to do, i’ve convinced myself each time that i won't cry anymore, that i can't cry anymore about this....that i'm too strong for this, and that i don’t need him and its time to move on...and i get myself all pumped up and i’m ready…i mean like really ready this time yall…ready to make a change and BAM...it hits me..
...how can i let go of my father's love?
Wow. I initially thought you were talking about a guy and I was all prepared to be like girl you don't need him...but damn. I have chills running up my arms right now. Hang in there. I can't say that I understand b/c I've never had that experience with my dad. I know that you're a God fearing woman and I hope that you remain faithful in that FATHER b/c he'll never let you down. And you dont have to wait for his call...you can call him all day and he'll be there to listen and guide you the right way.
Posted by
Charismatic Professional |
7:02 PM
Post a Comment